♦ God and the devil were having a business discussion. The Lord said, "I'm thinking of having some repair work done on the pearly gates, and I think you should pay half." "And just how do you figure that?" Satan asked. "Well, I do keep population pressure off your place," God said, "and of course there's a certain amount of wear and tear from the clawing and scratching of your people." "That's outrageous," the devil objected. "I won't pay a cent." "Then I'll sue you," God threatened. "Really?" The devil smiled. "Where will you find a lawyer?" (From the book, Skid Marks)
♦ A physician, an engineer and a lawyer were discussing which of the three professions represented was the oldest. The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession." The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and the earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine." Then, the lawyer spoke up, "Yes," he said, "but who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"
♦ A lawyer is standing at the gates of Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:
- Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit when he knew the company was guilty.
- Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
- Overcharging clients.
- Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.
The list goes on for quite a while. The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also." St. Peter looks in his book and says, "Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes!" St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and whispers, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
♦ A prominent young lawyer was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the gate of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside. The lawyer began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. "I'm much to young to die!" I'm only 35!" St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case. When St. Peter returned, he told the lawyer, "I'm afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son. We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed your clients, and you're at least 108."
♦ A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "thump" and then he would swerve back on to the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch-hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest. "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to the church five miles down the road!" replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last moment he swerved back on the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However, even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "thud." Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit that lawyer. "That's OK," replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
♦ A lawyer was asked if he would like to become a Jehovah's Witness. He declined, as he hadn't seen the accident, but said he would still be interested in taking the case.
♦ What's the difference between God and a lawyer? God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
♦ What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech? A leech quits sucking your blood after you die.
♦ What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? A vulture doesn't get Frequent Flyer points.
♦ What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving? Skeet.
♦ Why are lawyers never attacked by sharks? Professional courtesy.
♦ What is a criminal lawyer? Redundant.
♦ Why does the bar prohibit lawyers from having sex with their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for the same service.
♦ How many lawyers jokes are there? Just two, all the rest are true.
♦ What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer? Chelsea.
♦ What do a lawyer and sperm have in common? They both have a one-in-a-billion chance of being human.
♦ It was so cold last winter . . . . (How cold was it?) It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
♦ A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "Fifty dollars for three questions," replied the lawyer. "Isn't that kinda steep?" asked the man while doling out the money. "Yes," answered the lawyer. "Now what's your third question?"
A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice ♦ on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?" The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so. The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. And he received a bill from the lawyer.
♦ How many corporate lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? Who knows? You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
♦ How many personal-injury lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder and the third to sue the ladder company.
♦ How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? Six. One to change the bulb and five to write the environmental impact statement.
♦ How many contract lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? WHEREAS, the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer" and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (North) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include; but not limited to, the following steps:
Section 1. The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation, at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.
Section 2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable federal, state and local statutes.
Section 3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in Section 1 of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clock-wise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as the "Partnership".
♦ A couple attended a funeral and after the graveside ceremony were leaving the cemetery. They came upon a tombstone which read, "Here lies Henry Doyle, a lawyer and an honest man." The wife said to her husband: "Look dear, they've buried two men in the same grave!" Her husband responded: "At least they could have named the honest man."